Today in Terrible, Terrible, Terrible, Terrible, Terrible and Stupid Ideas, I bring you “She’s Got Game: The Women’s Guide to Loving Sports (or just how to fake it)”.
My boys at Deadspin often receive emails from PR people looking to pimp something. and they have helpfully posted some of these submissions in their regular column You, Dim PR Person, Are Dumb And Should Be Fired. Recently, some flak, who has apparently never actually read Deadspin, sent this along:
“Finally, a straight forward, simple guide to sports that will have any woman turning the page and scouring the local listings for the next game in her area! She’s Got Game is the last guide you’ll need for sports – from what to wear to look great at the game or sports bar, to terms you’ll need to know, to basic and advanced rules of the game. Impressing your boyfriend is just the beginning.”
Oh…oh..oh my God. Let me read that again…
“Impressing your boyfriend is just the beginning.”
We’re 15 seconds into this pitch and it’s clear this woman knows nothing about men and sports and has made numerous boyfriends want to slam their heads through a brick wall to make the hurting stop. Now, do I get impressed when my girlfriend doesn’t need my help on a sports related crossword question and does in fact know the answer to “What other name does Lew Alcindor go by?” Yes. But this is an entirely different matter than sitting in a bar while some girl yells “Why aren’t you throwing it!?” on an obvious running down. Holy crap that’s annoying.
Let’s continue down the rabbit hole:
“Pro basketball is the most stylish and dressiest sport. It’s really the only sport (maybe with the exception of hockey) where you can get away with high heels. Even stilettos.”
No, no you can’t. Just because you see that a lot in LA and Miami does not mean that we don’t think those girls aren’t retards. It’s just that we’ll put up with it because they’re also wearing dish cloths for skirts.
Now hang on, because this is gonna get ugly:
“Lingo – Shout it loud
* And one! – Shout when a member of your team is fouled while shooting and he makes the basket. He now has the chance for a three-point play by earning a foul shot.
* Denied! – Yell it after a member of your team blocks a shot.
* Airball! – When the other team shoots and the ball misses the hoop, backboard and rim completely. Touches “nothing but air”. Slowly shout, “Aiiiiiiiir-baaaaal!”
* Brick! – Shout it after the other team shoots an ugly looking shot that clanks off the rim or backboard Terms to know
* Travel – “Too many steps” A violation if a player takes more than two steps without dribbling (bouncing the ball to the court) or moves his pivot foot (one foot must be planted to the ground when not dribbling). The team that commits a travel loses possession of the ball.
* Double dribble – When a player stops and then restarts a dribble or uses both hands. The team that commits this violation loses possession.
* Swish – “Nothing but net” When a shot goes right through the basket and touches nothing but the net. Makes a noise that sounds like “swish”.”
I actually am developing a headache. This last bit is so very very wrong that I think that when this book is published and thousands (nah, hundreds) of women buy it and make jackasses of themselves, this woman should write a new book entitled “Why You Should Not Take Your Advice From What is Essentially a Long (and misguided as usual) Cosmo Column.” She should then go get herself some cats because she is gonna need the company soon.
Why? Because engaging in the above will ensure that within five minutes of the start of any game, you will scream something that is totally wrong. And not just wrong, but so blatantly wrong that there can be no question that you are in fact a total poseur and will annoy the living beejeesus out of everyone near you for the rest of the event.
The lesson? Faking interest in anything your boyfriend likes is a really good way to inch yourself up in the line for tickets on the train to Dumpsville. Unless you want to date a guy that likes that. In which case…good luck.
http://deadspin.com/5565398/you-dim-pr-person-are-dumb-and-should-be-fired-part-4-nba-finals-edition
