Hong Kong Hitch

The Girl and I went to Shenzhen to kill a night and relax and stayed at the Shangr-La.  Highly recommended, but that will be another post.  This post is dedicated to the spa we tried called The Maya City Club Hotel.  For a more proper review go to http://notesfromtheroad.typepad.com/the_rubdown/2010/01/review-maya-city-club-hotel-spa-shenzhen.html because this is going to be more of a rambling affair.  I know, what’s new?

First of all, the place looks like a Mayan Temple.  Or at least what some Chinese designer who had never seen anything remotely South American thought a Mayan temple might look like.  Upon entering, we were approached by a woman with a clipboard who wanted to know what we wanted.  That’s what we assumed, since she spoke no English.  This would become  a theme.  No one.  No ONE there speaks one word of English, except…”Obama!”  I would hear that often.

Once we figured out where to go, I entered the men’s locker room.  You know that scene in “Animal House” where all the white kids walk into to an all black bar?  Yeah.  After the initial shock, it was like a petting zoo, with little attendants walking up to me, staring, patting me on the back and saying “Meiguo? Obama?”.  Okay, they were more than friendly, but having 6 or 7 dudes just standing around and staring at you while you undress is freaky to say the least.  Guys, back the &*%$ up!  Needless to say, I won’t be talking about what were surely some nice amenities in the locker room because I got in and out as fast as I could!

I made my way through the shower/pool area for men, and somehow managed to communicate to one of the attendants that I was looking for my girlfriend…in CHINESE!  I am awesome.  I managed to find her and we found our way to the standard massage area which, by the way, is not much cheaper than the VIP area, so shell out the extra cash.  Now, I don’t know much about massage, except that you do NOT get Thai, unless you are flexible and used to getting massages often.  I am neither.  However, with no Swedish available, I thought the basic Chinese massage sounded good and less fruity than the aromatherapy treatment The Girl was getting.  I can think of only a handful of bigger mistakes that I have made in my life.

Our two Masseuses (“M” from here on) came in and proceeded to speak to us in Chinese.  I realized that I am not in fact awesome because The Girl was speaking with them somewhat successfully.  Me, not so much.  And then, it began.  My tiny M began working on my shoulders and I began to worry.  Okay, maybe she’s just getting me warmed up then will back off and go with the kind of massage that puts me to sleep.  I knew this was not realistic.  30 minutes later, she starts in on my lymph nodes and the teeth clenching began.  My inner voice cursing me in between repeating  “Ow.  OW!  OMFG, stop it!”  It was around this time that I heard the sound of massage oil on bare skin from the table next to me. I said to the girl “I think I chose poorly”.

The Girl: “Really?  It hurts?”

Me: “urgh!.  yeah”

Her: “Mine is massaging my butt with warm oil.”

Me (inner voice): “I hate you so very, very much.”

I got a brief respite as my M moved to my lower back, but then I realized she wasn’t stopping there long.  Oh God, she was going for my legs.  Now, I have a persistent knot that comes and goes right under my left shoulder blade.  People easily find it, make a knowing sound, and after a bit of pain, it generally gets worked out.  That knot has two much bigger, much more persistent siblings and they live in my calves.  I’ve jumped out of a plane with no fear whatsoever, but now?  I needed my mommy.  Soon, I was gripping the side of the table, biting my tongue and making sounds in my head similar to those of a 12 year old girl with front row tickets to a Jonas Brothers or Rain  show, except mine were higher pitched.

Then she started twisting my legs.  Um, are my bones SUPPOSED to make noises like that?  I think not.  Then, on to my arms, which was practically paradise compared to the rest.  I could only count my blessings and thank some greater power that we got the 90 minute treatment instead of the 250 minute option.  I mean, just the that thought I could have chosen that almost made me cry.  On the other hand, I was somewhat relieved, since, this being my first massage from a cute Asian woman, I was worried that I might have an…um…embarrassing reaction.  At no point during this ordeal was that even a remote possibility.

When it ended, there was at least a bright spot.  We sauntered up to the restaurant, which had an extensive menu, including an awful lot of American food for a place that doesn’t seem to have ever had an American walk in.  Well, at least not one that looks like me.  USDA short ribs?  Yes please.  Jack Daniels?  Yes, oh God yes!

And with that, all was almost right with the world.

Now, I know I am a wuss and I am also sure that anyone who has more experience would say that my girl did exactly what she was supposed to do, and possibly very well.  But, I will simply say that if you opt to spend a day at Maya City learn the Chinese for “I am a girly man, please don’t hurt me.”

I don’t want t give Maya too much of a hard time, because it was in fact quite an interesting experience, but I don’t have much to compare it to other than Sunny Paradise (which I am bit foggy about as to my last trip there) and Queen’s Spa, which everyone says is the gold standard.  That said:

Grade: B-

Good for:  post 3rd date, the adventurous, masochists

Map:
[googlemaps http://maps.google.com.hk/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=1177+Yanhe+Road+South,+Luohu,+Shenzhen.+&sll=22.38131,114.168639&sspn=0.485076,1.234589&brcurrent=3,0x3403e2eda332980f:0xf08ab3badbeac97c,0&ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=Yanhe+Rd,+%E7%BD%97%E6%B9%96%E5%8C%BA,+%E6%B7%B1%E5%9C%B3%E5%B8%82,+%E5%B9%BF%E4%B8%9C%E7%9C%81,+China&ll=22.543132,114.137659&spn=0.015141,0.038581&z=15&output=embed&w=425&h=350]

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